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Monday, October 14, 2013

If I were to take up drinking…

It would be now. Life has been an emotional roller coaster since April. Our sweet loving daughter turned into someone we don’t know two days before her 16th birthday. An incident occurred and thankfully it won’t ever go on her record. This incident seemed to be the beginning of a downward spiral. To say that I’ve been stressed is an understatement.
I’ve considered having a drink or two, but it won’t help. Back when I was married to my ex, I clouded the hurt, pain and abuse in alcohol. Being buzzed helped to ease the pain…or so I thought. In all reality, I was hiding from reality.
With this child I need a clear head. She’s smart and conniving. You need to be one step ahead of her. She’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and bi-polar. She was prescribed one med and she took it for one day, and then gave it up. She prefers smoking pot to ease the anxiety. She’s very honest about this to me and basically stated she’s not going to give it up.
Now, don’t give me hell for what I’m going to say, because no I don’t want her smoking pot, but I’m just glad it’s only that. My fear is this will be the gateway to bigger and more dangerous drugs. An officer told me about Molly, an ecstasy type drug that has become very popular with teens and high school kids.
The kids she hangs with are all drop outs, except one. My daughter is or was a straight A student.
Why tell you all this? Because I know I’m not the only person who has dealt with a teen like this. My other daughter, she pulled her stunts…she knew when to draw the line and she respected her parents. This one – not at all.
We’ve weight our options and let me tell you I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Our daughter doesn’t respect herself enough to respect others. But we’ve been thinking about one of those teen shock programs. We’ve talked to her psychiatrist and the director of the program. The therapist believes we should do whatever it takes. Life is crazy. There is no down time with this child. She’s volatile. Yet I love the shit out of her and wish I could wave a magic wand to fix her.
You see this child is very special to me…sure they all are, but L gave me a new lease on life. When she was born I found my self-esteem again. I grew strong. I learned to open my heart and love again. Yes, I loved my other two children and I still do. L showed me a new light. Because of her I found the strength and courage to leave her abusive father. I escaped.
So watching this child suffer and fall apart is sending me to an early grave. I try to be strong, but there are days when I’m tired of being strong. My husband and friends have been great through all this. Very supportive and helpful.
What doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger…I sure hope that’s right.

I know this was a long winded blog, but this might explain why I haven’t been blogging much. It’s hard to write uplifting posts when all I want to do is lose myself in a bottle. Not to worry I won’t. J

2 comments:

  1. Oh my dear, I so understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am in your corner. You can email me anytime--- feel free to vent. I'm here. Love you!

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  2. Feeling your pain; my own daughter continues the self-destruction. We 'scared her straight' as an 8th grader, by putting her on probation (she had a tardy problem at school). Then she came up pregnant as a junior, but thrived in the alternative school and graduated last year an A/B student. Now she admits she smokes pot occasionally, and didn't pass a drug test when she was hired at a job (she didn't realize it stays in your system for several days [2 weeks??] and she'd smoked a little 3 days prior); she took the laptop we bought her and gave it to her new boyfriend to pawn for $$ while we were on vacation (he's now lost the ticket and his ID, so the laptop is gone). Now she's talking about moving out in Jan, but if neither of them have jobs, how the hell are they going to do this? Her choices simply baffle me.

    You're in my prayers sweetie!

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