It would be now. Life has been an emotional roller coaster
since April. Our sweet loving daughter turned into someone we don’t know two
days before her 16th birthday. An incident occurred and thankfully
it won’t ever go on her record. This incident seemed to be the beginning of a
downward spiral. To say that I’ve been stressed is an understatement.
I’ve considered having a drink or two, but it won’t help. Back
when I was married to my ex, I clouded the hurt, pain and abuse in alcohol. Being
buzzed helped to ease the pain…or so I thought. In all reality, I was hiding
from reality.
With this child I need a clear head. She’s smart and conniving.
You need to be one step ahead of her. She’s been diagnosed with anxiety,
depression and bi-polar. She was prescribed one med and she took it for one
day, and then gave it up. She prefers smoking pot to ease the anxiety. She’s
very honest about this to me and basically stated she’s not going to give it
up.
Now, don’t give me hell for what I’m going to say, because
no I don’t want her smoking pot, but I’m just glad it’s only that. My fear is
this will be the gateway to bigger and more dangerous drugs. An officer told me
about Molly, an ecstasy type drug that has become very popular with teens and
high school kids.
The kids she hangs with are all drop outs, except one. My daughter
is or was a straight A student.
Why tell you all this? Because I know I’m not the only
person who has dealt with a teen like this. My other daughter, she pulled her
stunts…she knew when to draw the line and she respected her parents. This one –
not at all.
We’ve weight our options and let me tell you I have the
weight of the world on my shoulders. Our daughter doesn’t respect herself
enough to respect others. But we’ve been thinking about one of those teen shock
programs. We’ve talked to her psychiatrist and the director of the program. The
therapist believes we should do whatever it takes. Life is crazy. There is no
down time with this child. She’s volatile. Yet I love the shit out of her and
wish I could wave a magic wand to fix her.
You see this child is very special to me…sure they all are,
but L gave me a new lease on life. When she was born I found my self-esteem
again. I grew strong. I learned to open my heart and love again. Yes, I loved
my other two children and I still do. L showed me a new light. Because of her I
found the strength and courage to leave her abusive father. I escaped.
So watching this child suffer and fall apart is sending me
to an early grave. I try to be strong, but there are days when I’m tired of
being strong. My husband and friends have been great through all this. Very supportive
and helpful.
What doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger…I sure hope
that’s right.
I know this was a long winded blog, but this might explain
why I haven’t been blogging much. It’s hard to write uplifting posts when all I
want to do is lose myself in a bottle. Not to worry I won’t. J
